5 Years . . . .

5 Years . . . . . As of May 21st, 2015 it will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with leukemia. Looking back and reflecting on what has happened and the changes that were made in my life as well as my family I realize there is more. Not more in the sense of searching for who I am and how this will define me but more in the sense of opening up on who I become and letting loose the inner me that went hiding. You see the summer I was diagnosed I went through a lot of changes not just physically but mentally. I had to reject or turn away many activities and events that I wanted to accomplish and that was the summer I was going to do it. With that I shut down and turn my focus on building my business but also I didn’t want to talk about a lot of stuff that I was dwelling on. That winter everything I was hiding or trying to avoid came roaring out and I turned to a depressive state. I lost control. For most of my life I worked hard to stay in control of the things I know I can control but when January came I found myself going down a path with a hell of a lot of bumps and no brakes on my bike. I knew it was bad when my husband tells me to call the psychiatrist and make an appointment. I knew when I hit rock bottom. Most people experience worse but it is definitely a moment I personally never want to see or feel again. I only saw the psychiatrist once a month for 3 months but my road to recovery was much longer personally. I had to get over personal challenges like people wanting and having more kids and I can’t. Understanding the changes I have to go through physically and preparing them each time it happens throughout the month. Having to explain to Breann the reasons why mommy was tired and needs to rest when she wanted to play. But most of all was finding the person I once was before all this happened. I wasn’t going to let cancer define me but at that moment I was being dragged down. There were a few things that got me through this hard time. First and foremost was my husband. His words of wisdom and encouragement through this cannot be matched by any other man. He was patient with me in all my ups and downs. He knew my struggle and lifted me up when I needed it the most. God has certainly brought him to me and I can’t thank Him enough. My family, parents and sisters, the moment I was admitted to the hospital they were there ready and waiting to help in any way they could. They stayed with me when Jeff couldn’t be there and always knew how to make me laugh. After that was the outpouring love from my friends. The little gestures that went a long way to healing my heart. Lastly, the positive atmosphere from my business. Any other place would have just said get back to work and actually my job did but not the people at World Financial Group. The excitement that they brought every time I saw them is something you will NOT find at any other workplace no matter how much you love your career. I am going to end this with the final thought that I would not be here if it wasn’t for my God. I have to admit that I was mad at him for a while but like a father and child I never stopped loving him. Looking back He gave me a second chance. I have recovered from this disease faster than most people who were diagnosed. I don’t have a lot of the symptoms that most people get when they go through treatment. I only had to stay in the hospital for 4 days instead of 4 weeks. My God has given me a second chance . . . a second chance to be a better mom, a better wife, a better person for God and a person who is going to change the world. Thank you and Happy 5th Anniversary.

Dreaming

I want to dream . . . To dream that I am something more then what you see. I want to dream of having a house that meets my standards and a life for my child that has no limitations on what I see fit for her. I dream of adopting a child and give him a future that at this time seems non existent. I dream of traveling to every state in the United States at least once and discover the history behind it. I want to see the world and go on a missions trip over seas. I dream of going camping and hiking the trails in the area. I dream of doing all this and becoming financially independent at the same time.
I am sure many people are saying those are nice dreams but what they don't ask is what I am doing to achieve these dreams. I am willing to work hard and make my dreams happen. I want to live my dreams and once I live them think of new ones that are greater then those now. I will encourage others to see their dreams and work hard to meet them. We should all see our dreams come true, I want to be like the Disney princesses and live my dream. So who is with me and want to live their dreams, say, "WOOT WOOT!!"

Leo Carrillo State Beach

On March 31st Breann and I went to Leo Carrillo for the day to spend time with the Bazen family camping. Breann is pretty quick to get away from the water when the tide came in.

What's Going On?

Hello Everyone . . . well we are four months into 2011 and seem to be very busy. Breann is turning 3 this month and is a smart little kid (minus when she eats play dough and sand). I have been focusing on myself a lot the last 2 months with not sitting on the couch because as soon as I do I don't want to get up. I have been working on the business, not as much as I want to because I had to overcome self-emotional issues at first but I am better now and ready to focus more attention to the business. Jeff is finishing up his bachelors and will graduate in May. We will be going to Virgina for a few days and spend some quality time together. He can't wait to finish so he can focus on the business again and the both of us can move forward. I am still in partial remission but I am starting to feel better in my own skin again. Thank you everyone for your support and I will try to post more often if I can. God Bless!!

The Last 4 Months

OK . . . .I am sorry that I have not been on for a while. My family has gone through a lot since I was diagnosed. Long story short my Grandpa Gil passed away and the family is just now recovering from the loss. Anyways. . . to let you know what has happened since the last post, Jeff and I went to see a bone marrow specialist in L.A. Not that we didn't trust my doctor but we wanted a second opinion from the specialist himself. He was part of the City of Hope team and that REALLY pleased Jeff, my family and myself. The doctor has the hope that if my CML gets out of hand (which we hope won't be for many years) that they will have a cure and we won't have to go through the transplant. To be on the safe side we had my sisters tested to see if they were a match for a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately neither one of my sisters were a match, which was bitter sweet in the fact that I might have to turn outside the family to find a match but I don't need a transplant at this time. So with that I find myself in so many different emotional states that I can not organize or even control them at times. I have found myself trusting more in God but still pray that he lets me stay on this Earth to see my family grow and enjoy each other. I have blood drawn this week with a specific test to be ran to see if I am in total remission and I will find out next Friday when I see my doctor. Thank you everyone for your support over the past few months.

CML part 2

It has almost been a month since the diagnoses and the doctor says I am in partial remission already. I am surprised that it has been less than a month and I already reached the halfway point of remission. Now I have a long way to go with many things. The doctor is looking for genetic remission which will take longer and ultimately mean another Bone Marrow Test. Thank God that won't be for a while.

Hold please while we experience an earthquake. . . .OK, it is over.

Anyways . . . Jeff and I were reflecting a couple of weeks ago about what has happened in our lives the past few years but also why things happened in the order that they did. Like having Breann when we did. It was unexpected, not planned and a shock to Jeff and I. I remember telling someone (I won't mention any names) that there is a reason why Jeff and I had Breann at this time. My hope though at that time and still is that she is going to be someone great and change the world in some way. The truth is God gave her to us then is because if we waited till now we wouldn't have her. I would not be able to experience having a child and get to see her smile, laugh, sing, and play with Izzy. I do believe that I will understand later in my life why God has given me leukemia and I feel that there will be a lesson learned from this. Whether the lesson is for me or someone else to learn, there is always a lesson. I feel that life is a learning experience. Any situation you find yourself in no matter how big or small you can always learn something from it.
Keep Smiling.

Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)

A lot of thought will be going into this blog. Not because I am trying to sort my thoughts but more I want my thoughts to come across the way they are meant too.
Let's Begin . . . a week ago last Friday I went to Kaiser to have a routine blood test done in the morning. When I got home I ate breakfast and prepared Breann for daycare. Jeff and I ran a few errands together, then went back home to pick-up Breann and clean the house for our open house we were having that weekend. I was on a roll on cleaning my house because I wanted to join my friend Sara and the junior highers at Parkcrest for a few hours while they were planning on having an all-nighter. Around 5:30pm my mother-n-law receives a phone call from her friends at work saying that Kaiser is trying to get a hold of me and it is very important that they do. At that time I looked at my cell phone which was in the other room and realized I had 2 missed calls from Kaiser. My phone rang again and I picked up and a doctor was on the line. To make a long story even longer. I had to go to the E.R. and have my blood drawn again for another work-up. The doctor came in and basically told me they think I have leukemia and want to observe me overnight. Well, that overnight turned into a couple of nights at the hospital while I had tests performed on me. The worst being the bone marrow test.
Many people asked how I am doing, how I am feeling, what do I think of the whole situation, I even have people who are mad that this is happening to me. Yet for me, I am not mad or upset that I have leukemia. I think to myself, "OK . . . I have leukemia what are my options and what is the best thing for me to do." I am lucky that I could rely on my family and friends around me for support and comfort but nothing could have prepared me for the option I was going to have to take at this time. The funny thing is this option is a miracle plan for people like me and I can live a long and happy life with one exception . . . the chances of having another child is slim to none.
Now many of you don't know but Jeff and I were planning on having another baby next year. With the intentions that other things fall into place and Jeff finds a job. Well earlier in the week Jeff found a job and we both could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was becoming more and more excited to the idea of being pregnant again and Breann having a sibling. Finding out that pregnancy was not an option was the worse news of all to me. Other people thought that was more like a side note and I can't blame them, my health is more important to them then another child in the world. Yet to me and my selfish needs I wanted another child, I wanted to go through the experience of being pregnant, I want to sing to my belly and tell Breann that her baby brother or sister is in my belly. I had several moments where I would break down and cry and pray to God that he would find away around this. No answer yet but I am willing to wait. I really have to thank Jeff because he is looking into all the possibilities for me to have a normal life and the chance of having another baby. He is also working hard with the World Financial Group in starting his own finance business so if I am unable to work at any point our family wouldn't have to worry about what is going to happen next with the house, car or whatever. He even started a donation fund to help pay for the medical bills that insurance won't pay for and to make sure I can get the best care there is. Well this blog has been an emotional one and I still have more I would like to reflect on but I think it is time to take a break and rest for a while. I will save the rest for another day.
Keep Smiling.

It has been a while . . .

Yes . . . It has been a while since I have posted a blog and it just seems to become harder to find the time. Between working, giving my full attention to Breann, making sure I socialize and sleeping I don't seem to have time to just sit. But enough about me I need to let you know how Breann is doing. In a few weeks she will be a 2 year old and boy is she taking full advantage of the terribleness that comes with it. Each day is a gamble on whether or not she will be in a good mood when I get home. Just the other day I was driving with her and she was talking to herself when all of a sudden she started to scream and yell for Mickey Mouse. I was no where near Disneyland for her to think that. Crazy moments with a drama queen child . . . she must get that from Jeff. Just Kidding. So our hands our full at this time and hopefully Jeff and I will keep our sanity through it all. Have a nice day everyone.

Jennie

Advent Conspiracy

So this Christmas I wasn't sure what I should give people as a gift. Jeff still being out of work made money really tight this year. I was really worried and it wasn't until I went to church and they introduced The Advent Conspiracy and the first topic was spend less, give more. I thought, "Perfect!" and the message brought wonderful ideas to a family that is tight on cash. Also Jeff and I wanted to break away from all the commercialism that was surrounding Christmas. First our small group decided to pitch-in and buy a goat for a family in another country. (Sorry I can't seem to remember what country it was).

Another suggestion was give time with each other. Your presence is a good present. So I was trying to think of what I could do with my family that would be a good way of spending time together. I got crafty and made coupons that were specified to each person and each one was either a way I could spend time with them or do something for them, like clean the house or wash the car. The next thing was I bought some wood photo frames and one night we all sat down to paint them. The trick was I said that in order to receive the picture for the frame we all had to paint them together. My family had a great time painting and we all had a blast enjoying each others presence. So here are a few pictures of us painting and the finish products of the frames.

More will be up soon!!

Family Vacation to Florida

OK so we are back from Florida. For those of you who haven't heard Jeff, Kelli, Lexi, Breann and I went to Florida to see the space shuttle launch and check out Walt Disney World. We had an incredible time and it was a much need vacation for both families. I have a lot of pictures that I would like to post and will do so once I have time. I had to go to work as soon as I got back from vacation. Anyways the cool stuff. . . we went to all fours parks and stayed in one of the local Disney resort hotels. We saw a lot of cool Disney resort stuff but couldn't help ourselves to compare it to Disneyland. We skipped some of the stuff that we knew we could do here at Disneyland and wished that they would bring some of the rides from Disney World to the land. Our favorite rides were Mt. Everest and Rockin' Roller Coaster. Tower of terror is much better at Disney World. We all agreed that Disney World could do so much more with what they had and they are not taking advantage of the potential that is there. Also the World needs to be more aware of the safety aspect at their parks. I know I won't be hit by a tram at Disneyland unless I was really, really not paying attention. But I loved how each park was decorated for the holidays.

Jeff and I participated in a few shows and if I can get the video from my sister I will post it. Our favorite moment was watching the space shuttle Atlantis launch from the space center. Jeff and I had tears in our eyes and shivers in our bones. Breann was asleep the whole time and that is OK because she needed to sleep since we all woke up at 4am that morning to drive there. I was surprised on all the activities they had available for us to do while we waited for the space shuttle to launch. The center had a lot of history for us to read up on and I learned more there then the history channel has ever given on the subject. The center went more in depth in each mission and I hope that my niece learned a great deal about space. I wished we were able to do more stuff outside of the resort and the shuttle launch but there really wasn't enough time and not to mention I lost the directions to the places I wanted to look at. Oh well, I was still able to go to another state and do stuff that was on my bucket list.

Painful Week

Well in the words of a friend of mine, "this is a painful week". This past week was a painful week because it seemed like massive lay-offs everywhere. In the beginning of the week my church had to let go 6 of their staff members. If that wasn't hard to hear on Friday Jeff was let go from his job. Everyone has been very supportive and many have asked me how I am doing. I have to say I started out numb, I really didn't know how to feel. The emotion didn't hit me until I saw Jeff walking up the stairs carrying his box of stuff. I got a little emotional and we both had a family moment. After ten minutes Jeff and I took a deep breath and I have to say I was thinking that I would need to encourage him to start looking for a job right away. Well I under estimated him because the first words out of his mouth were, "I need to make a few phone calls to people I know who can help me find a job." That brought relief knowing that he was already a step ahead of me. I have to say what I felt after that was kind of surreal. I didn't have any anxiety, not really stressing out either, I kind of had a sense of calm and comfort and I still have it. Now I am sure once we have to pay bills and money is tight I will feel reality sink in but in the mean time I am going to take this comfort God gave me and try to benefit from it.

Now I am going to try and pick-up extra hours at work and support Jeff in what needs to be done but I am kind of excited on wondering what is next in our life. Jeff did ask if I would mind moving, I thought about it for a moment and told him no, I wouldn't mind because we talked about it a week before that we felt a little trapped in our situation and that if the opportunity came along we wouldn't mind having a change. We thought it would be later than sooner.

Also, some people have been asking if we are still going on our family vacation to Florida and as of this moment yes. The flight and hotel is paid for and we were already saving for food and a rental car when we get out there. That might change in the next few weeks so I will keep everyone up dated on what we finally decide. Thank you again for all of your support.

i wuv oh

Breann has all of a sudden decided to talk to us . . . well she has decided to talk to us in her own language and Jeff and I look at her with a face of confusion. She doesn't care she keeps jabbering on, pointing at things and it seems like everything is mi-mi when she wants it. When you ask her to say something of course the words have her little baby accent and some words we realize that maybe we should wait until she is a little older to say so she can pronounce them better. In the mean time the i wuv oh's and the mommy's are melting our hearts and we can't help but laugh at her when she tries something new or gives us a pouty look. Jeff and I need to work on our poker faces. My favorite thing right now is when I am sitting on the couch and she climbs up and sits next to me. She will also read a book if I am reading. Makes me think I need to make sure that I don't do anything stupid in front of her.

HA! HA! Memories

Ok this is just funny. I saw this a long time ago and had to laugh.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTYr3JuueF4

Jr High Camp

So I was asked this Sunday if I would like to go to the Jr high Camp and be a counselor. The first thing that came to mind was could I get the time off work. Jeff is all for me going and would mind taking care of Breann for the week. I know this would be a great opportunity for me the only thing holding me back is funding. Unfortunately I have planned all my vacation time that I get for the year and Jeff and I really need the hours I work to pay bills. I guess I am writing this to get advice from people on how they would handle the situation. The trip is in 2 weeks and I am trying to rearrange my schedule so I can go. Please write to me and let me know what you think.

Anxiety

So we had a great day this past Sunday. Breann was dedicated at the church, we had a nice brunch at East Side Mario's and Jeff and I had a great softball game. I only had one problem through out the day. Now ever since I went back to work I have been dealing with anxiety issues. It wasn't until very recently I had my anxiety under control. In fact I had to stress myself to the point of having a migraine in order to relax and finally feel relieved from the anxiety that was lingering. Anyways . . . on Sunday while at East Side Mario's I was distracted trying to move a sharp knife out of Breann's reach when her foot skipped off the chair I had her standing on. Now she did tumble to the ground and luckily landed on her bottom yet she started crying. All of a sudden I felt like I was in a dream where I was trying to get to her but no matter what I did I couldn't reach her. I wasn't going to loose focus on her that was for sure but I couldn't get to her. Then I had the room close in on me, the people in that room were getting louder and I really couldn't breath. The anxiety attack was going to hit me at full force. By the time I got Breann my sister already picked her up. She was still crying and and the room wasn't calming down for me. So I basically ran out of the room, I think I knocked into about two people on my way out of the restaurant. Once outside I was much better and I know it only took me a few seconds to regain composure. Breann was still upset but at least I could truly focus on her and not be tunnel vision. I know we all try to get through the tough times in our lives and I know I have been through tougher moments then that but I think when those moments catch you off guard that is when it is the most difficult to deal with. If you are wondering why I am mentioning this to you, I really don't know. There is no reason behind this other then to let you all in on not so graceful moment in my life.

She is walking

OK . . . so Breann has been walking for about 2 weeks now. She still prefers support and if you give her a chance she will crawl. She sit in a forward facing car seat and I love her expressions as she looks around and sees the world from a different angle. We have a set bed time for her and she goes to bed pretty easily. She loves to listen to songs and claps with Twinkle Little Star, and Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Her baby dedication will be this Sunday, June 7Th at Parkcrest during the 10am service in Live.

GRRR!!

So I have been trying to put up pictures of Breann from Easter and her birthday with no luck. Hopefully soon though. In the mean an up-date to my fans. Breann turned one and it seems that she advanced her communication skills and almost walking skills. I know that it is normal for a little one to grow like that but I guess I thought it would happen a little slower. Anyways . . .she is still teething away and tring to read to me.

Jeff is done with school for the summer and is truly enjoying the moments with Wii games. We are getting ready for our good friends wedding by throwing parties and making sure all our stuff for their big day is ready. I am trying to get things in order to go back to school in September, I think the biggest thing right now is getting my schedule in order so I can do school work, go to work and give the attention to my family that they deserve. For those of you who haven't heard I am going back to school and getting my degree in Christian Ministry. I am meeting up with the student ministries pastor at Canyon Hills Friends Church on Friday which should be very interesting.

So hopefully my computer won't be a pain anymore and I will get all the photos I want up on the website. Until then, Smile!!

First Year Reflections

OK . . . Yes Breann is turning a year old in a few weeks and I have been thinking back to this past year that went by way to fast. This time last year I was having sleepless nights due to a little one wanting to play kick ball in mommy's tummy. Then came the special day with more sleepless nights of me making sure she is fed and that she is breathing. Followed by milestone moments of her turning over, sitting up, crawling, smiling, saying mama and dada blowing kisses and much more. Remembering when her little infant cry turned into a baby cry. Then going from breast milk to baby food and now finger foods. Of course having to go to work and leave her at home with daddy is hard for any parent. Also the worries of what is in store for her in the later years. Jeff says not to worry about it she is not a teenager yet. Taking her for her walks and having her take naps with me. So much and yet the year went by way to fast.

Alumni Concert

Last night was the Mariners and Show Time (Show Choir) alumni concert. It was awesome to see so may old friends sing there hearts out, or even play the instruments like no one was watching. It brought back so many fun memories. I had the pleasure of hosting the show with Amy and singing with my best friend Sara and sister Kelli. I have to say the part that brought me back was when the alumni Jazz Band took stage, Ms. Ryder lead them in a series of favorites and finished with In The Mood. But I couldn't help but flash back to my freshman year (the last year the Jazz Band did the song) and remembering why they always received the standing ovation. All the alumni for all three groups proved that the music department at Mayfair is a powerful and life impacting experience. Hopefully I will have a clip of This Little Light of Mine up shortly.