5 Years . . . .

5 Years . . . . . As of May 21st, 2015 it will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with leukemia. Looking back and reflecting on what has happened and the changes that were made in my life as well as my family I realize there is more. Not more in the sense of searching for who I am and how this will define me but more in the sense of opening up on who I become and letting loose the inner me that went hiding. You see the summer I was diagnosed I went through a lot of changes not just physically but mentally. I had to reject or turn away many activities and events that I wanted to accomplish and that was the summer I was going to do it. With that I shut down and turn my focus on building my business but also I didn’t want to talk about a lot of stuff that I was dwelling on. That winter everything I was hiding or trying to avoid came roaring out and I turned to a depressive state. I lost control. For most of my life I worked hard to stay in control of the things I know I can control but when January came I found myself going down a path with a hell of a lot of bumps and no brakes on my bike. I knew it was bad when my husband tells me to call the psychiatrist and make an appointment. I knew when I hit rock bottom. Most people experience worse but it is definitely a moment I personally never want to see or feel again. I only saw the psychiatrist once a month for 3 months but my road to recovery was much longer personally. I had to get over personal challenges like people wanting and having more kids and I can’t. Understanding the changes I have to go through physically and preparing them each time it happens throughout the month. Having to explain to Breann the reasons why mommy was tired and needs to rest when she wanted to play. But most of all was finding the person I once was before all this happened. I wasn’t going to let cancer define me but at that moment I was being dragged down. There were a few things that got me through this hard time. First and foremost was my husband. His words of wisdom and encouragement through this cannot be matched by any other man. He was patient with me in all my ups and downs. He knew my struggle and lifted me up when I needed it the most. God has certainly brought him to me and I can’t thank Him enough. My family, parents and sisters, the moment I was admitted to the hospital they were there ready and waiting to help in any way they could. They stayed with me when Jeff couldn’t be there and always knew how to make me laugh. After that was the outpouring love from my friends. The little gestures that went a long way to healing my heart. Lastly, the positive atmosphere from my business. Any other place would have just said get back to work and actually my job did but not the people at World Financial Group. The excitement that they brought every time I saw them is something you will NOT find at any other workplace no matter how much you love your career. I am going to end this with the final thought that I would not be here if it wasn’t for my God. I have to admit that I was mad at him for a while but like a father and child I never stopped loving him. Looking back He gave me a second chance. I have recovered from this disease faster than most people who were diagnosed. I don’t have a lot of the symptoms that most people get when they go through treatment. I only had to stay in the hospital for 4 days instead of 4 weeks. My God has given me a second chance . . . a second chance to be a better mom, a better wife, a better person for God and a person who is going to change the world. Thank you and Happy 5th Anniversary.

Dreaming

I want to dream . . . To dream that I am something more then what you see. I want to dream of having a house that meets my standards and a life for my child that has no limitations on what I see fit for her. I dream of adopting a child and give him a future that at this time seems non existent. I dream of traveling to every state in the United States at least once and discover the history behind it. I want to see the world and go on a missions trip over seas. I dream of going camping and hiking the trails in the area. I dream of doing all this and becoming financially independent at the same time.
I am sure many people are saying those are nice dreams but what they don't ask is what I am doing to achieve these dreams. I am willing to work hard and make my dreams happen. I want to live my dreams and once I live them think of new ones that are greater then those now. I will encourage others to see their dreams and work hard to meet them. We should all see our dreams come true, I want to be like the Disney princesses and live my dream. So who is with me and want to live their dreams, say, "WOOT WOOT!!"

Leo Carrillo State Beach

On March 31st Breann and I went to Leo Carrillo for the day to spend time with the Bazen family camping. Breann is pretty quick to get away from the water when the tide came in.

What's Going On?

Hello Everyone . . . well we are four months into 2011 and seem to be very busy. Breann is turning 3 this month and is a smart little kid (minus when she eats play dough and sand). I have been focusing on myself a lot the last 2 months with not sitting on the couch because as soon as I do I don't want to get up. I have been working on the business, not as much as I want to because I had to overcome self-emotional issues at first but I am better now and ready to focus more attention to the business. Jeff is finishing up his bachelors and will graduate in May. We will be going to Virgina for a few days and spend some quality time together. He can't wait to finish so he can focus on the business again and the both of us can move forward. I am still in partial remission but I am starting to feel better in my own skin again. Thank you everyone for your support and I will try to post more often if I can. God Bless!!

The Last 4 Months

OK . . . .I am sorry that I have not been on for a while. My family has gone through a lot since I was diagnosed. Long story short my Grandpa Gil passed away and the family is just now recovering from the loss. Anyways. . . to let you know what has happened since the last post, Jeff and I went to see a bone marrow specialist in L.A. Not that we didn't trust my doctor but we wanted a second opinion from the specialist himself. He was part of the City of Hope team and that REALLY pleased Jeff, my family and myself. The doctor has the hope that if my CML gets out of hand (which we hope won't be for many years) that they will have a cure and we won't have to go through the transplant. To be on the safe side we had my sisters tested to see if they were a match for a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately neither one of my sisters were a match, which was bitter sweet in the fact that I might have to turn outside the family to find a match but I don't need a transplant at this time. So with that I find myself in so many different emotional states that I can not organize or even control them at times. I have found myself trusting more in God but still pray that he lets me stay on this Earth to see my family grow and enjoy each other. I have blood drawn this week with a specific test to be ran to see if I am in total remission and I will find out next Friday when I see my doctor. Thank you everyone for your support over the past few months.

CML part 2

It has almost been a month since the diagnoses and the doctor says I am in partial remission already. I am surprised that it has been less than a month and I already reached the halfway point of remission. Now I have a long way to go with many things. The doctor is looking for genetic remission which will take longer and ultimately mean another Bone Marrow Test. Thank God that won't be for a while.

Hold please while we experience an earthquake. . . .OK, it is over.

Anyways . . . Jeff and I were reflecting a couple of weeks ago about what has happened in our lives the past few years but also why things happened in the order that they did. Like having Breann when we did. It was unexpected, not planned and a shock to Jeff and I. I remember telling someone (I won't mention any names) that there is a reason why Jeff and I had Breann at this time. My hope though at that time and still is that she is going to be someone great and change the world in some way. The truth is God gave her to us then is because if we waited till now we wouldn't have her. I would not be able to experience having a child and get to see her smile, laugh, sing, and play with Izzy. I do believe that I will understand later in my life why God has given me leukemia and I feel that there will be a lesson learned from this. Whether the lesson is for me or someone else to learn, there is always a lesson. I feel that life is a learning experience. Any situation you find yourself in no matter how big or small you can always learn something from it.
Keep Smiling.

Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)

A lot of thought will be going into this blog. Not because I am trying to sort my thoughts but more I want my thoughts to come across the way they are meant too.
Let's Begin . . . a week ago last Friday I went to Kaiser to have a routine blood test done in the morning. When I got home I ate breakfast and prepared Breann for daycare. Jeff and I ran a few errands together, then went back home to pick-up Breann and clean the house for our open house we were having that weekend. I was on a roll on cleaning my house because I wanted to join my friend Sara and the junior highers at Parkcrest for a few hours while they were planning on having an all-nighter. Around 5:30pm my mother-n-law receives a phone call from her friends at work saying that Kaiser is trying to get a hold of me and it is very important that they do. At that time I looked at my cell phone which was in the other room and realized I had 2 missed calls from Kaiser. My phone rang again and I picked up and a doctor was on the line. To make a long story even longer. I had to go to the E.R. and have my blood drawn again for another work-up. The doctor came in and basically told me they think I have leukemia and want to observe me overnight. Well, that overnight turned into a couple of nights at the hospital while I had tests performed on me. The worst being the bone marrow test.
Many people asked how I am doing, how I am feeling, what do I think of the whole situation, I even have people who are mad that this is happening to me. Yet for me, I am not mad or upset that I have leukemia. I think to myself, "OK . . . I have leukemia what are my options and what is the best thing for me to do." I am lucky that I could rely on my family and friends around me for support and comfort but nothing could have prepared me for the option I was going to have to take at this time. The funny thing is this option is a miracle plan for people like me and I can live a long and happy life with one exception . . . the chances of having another child is slim to none.
Now many of you don't know but Jeff and I were planning on having another baby next year. With the intentions that other things fall into place and Jeff finds a job. Well earlier in the week Jeff found a job and we both could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was becoming more and more excited to the idea of being pregnant again and Breann having a sibling. Finding out that pregnancy was not an option was the worse news of all to me. Other people thought that was more like a side note and I can't blame them, my health is more important to them then another child in the world. Yet to me and my selfish needs I wanted another child, I wanted to go through the experience of being pregnant, I want to sing to my belly and tell Breann that her baby brother or sister is in my belly. I had several moments where I would break down and cry and pray to God that he would find away around this. No answer yet but I am willing to wait. I really have to thank Jeff because he is looking into all the possibilities for me to have a normal life and the chance of having another baby. He is also working hard with the World Financial Group in starting his own finance business so if I am unable to work at any point our family wouldn't have to worry about what is going to happen next with the house, car or whatever. He even started a donation fund to help pay for the medical bills that insurance won't pay for and to make sure I can get the best care there is. Well this blog has been an emotional one and I still have more I would like to reflect on but I think it is time to take a break and rest for a while. I will save the rest for another day.
Keep Smiling.